Roger and the Marrow

It was Godfrey and Philomena’s wedding anniversary and Godfrey was reflecting back over his marital years. He can still remember the first time he went up Philomena’s back passage and rang her bell. Unfortunately for Godfrey it was her Father, Monty who answered the door with a face like a smacked arse on account of taking second place behind his arch rival Jonty in the Marrow growing competition at the Annual Bumthorpe Horticultural Show. Godfrey recalled with fondness those first words from his future Father-in-law “What the f*** have you come as?”.

Something in Monty’s tone told Godfrey that perhaps today was not a good time to ask for his daughters hand but he felt that since he’d been giving her his jolly roger for the past six months he ought to do the decent thing before she fell into the pudding club and he ended up being escorted down the aisle by Monty’s shotgun.

“Sir” he stammered “I…I…have come….to ask for…your daughters hand”.

“Oh have you indeed?” came the sharp reply. “Yyyyyyeess Ssssirr…” replied Godfrey “.

“And what’s your name my I ask?” demanded Monty. “Er…er…Godfrey Sir” he replied.

“Well I’ve got news for you Godfrey Sir. It’s not YOU my Philomena wants mate. She has really noisy dreams at night; keeps me awake all the bloody time. Probably why I lost concentration in the marrow growing competition. No it’s not YOU she wants Godfrey my son. The only one she keeps screaming out for in her sleep is Roger. That’s all I hear all night long ‘Roger, Roger, Yes Yes Roger’. So clear off and shut the gate behind you.

Bingo and the Butcher

Philomenas sister, Wilomena, was coming home from the bingo past Porters Butchers one night when one of her high heels got stuck down a hole, sending her bum over breast through the butchers window.

As she landed, an orange out of the display pigs mouth shot down her front leaving her looking like she had three of what she should only have had two of, and with her mouth firmly suck-facing the pigs lips.

Passing by just then, Marge and Beatrice also coming home from bingo (having shared two lines and a full house), paused to look at the spectacle.

“Do you know Marge” said Beatrice “I think I’ll have a joint of beef this Sunday”.

The Laptop and the Camel

 

Godfrey and Philomena were both on their laptops sitting opposite each other at the dining table. Both were playing the same game on a social network site,  fiercely competing against each other.

Godfrey was losing. Godfrey was losing big style. It wasnt so much that he was being trounced that was doing his head in, as much as the smug look all over Philomenas face.

There’s more ways to skin a cat thought Godfrey as he clicked on Instant Messaging and began typing:  ”Your computer has just been infected by a MASSIVE virus. Power off your machine IMMEDIATELY to avoid FATAL DAMAGE”.

Slimily adding Philomenas name before pushing the ‘send’ button Godfrey began to whistle Old Portsmouth as he nonchalantly looked out of the window at the over flowing dustbin in the back yard.

He hadn’t got to the second bar before he felt the full force of Philomenas high heeled boot connect with his crutch.  As his ‘out blowing’ whistle changed to an ‘in sucking’ whistle, (not disimilar to the noise a camel makes when taking in water after a week in the desert), Godfrey could just about make out Philomenas voice “Whenever you whistle that tune I always smell fish”.

Houdini the Tortoise

Houdini and the Tortoise

 

Godfrey hadnt seen his pet tortoise Houdini for three months and was starting to fret. It wasnt the first time it had gone AWOL. Last time it got out it ended up in next doors yard and their dog had mistaken it for a meat pie; its owners even had the neck to present Godfrey with the dental bill.

 

“What do you expect when you give it a name like Houdini?” Philomena quipped unsympathetically. “Go and clean the fish pond out, it’ll help you focus on what to do next”.

Godfrey put on his heavy garden boots and set off down the garden. As he neared the pond he stepped onto the rockery boulders, as always, to avoid crushing any of the beautiful plants that surrounded the pond. Suddenly as Godfrey put his boot down on the fifth boulder there was a loud watery sort of cracking noise and Godfrey froze.

As the moon rose over Bumthorpe that night the silhouette of what looked like a very large gnome could be clearly seen lit up by the night sky but strangely by morning, it had gone.

The Mobile Phone

Philomena was hanging out the washing when the phone rang. Unravelling herself from the double sheet she was attempting to hang on the line in a Gale Force 6, she ran up the garden path with a pillow case over her eyes and tripped into the fish pond. Crawling out of the pond dripping wet with a natty collection of algae all over her face she finally made it to the back door, took off her shoes and went into the house, but by the time she got to the phone it had stopped.

“You need to get one of these mobiles like mine” said Godfrey holding up his Nokia brick for Philomena to see.

“Why didnt you answer the house phone for me when it rang?” asked Philomena. “You’re sitting right next to it”.

“Because I knew the call was for you” replied Godfrey.

“Really?” said Philomena “And how could you pòssibly know that?”.

“Because it was me ringing to ask yòu when breakfast would be ready”.

Godfreys operation to remove an electric iron from his anus went well and though still asleep he is in a stable condition at Bumthorpe A and E. Philomena will appear before Bumthorpe magistrates in the morning.

Bumthorpe Operatic Society

“The show isnt over till the fat woman farts” remarked Godfrey to Philomena during the interval of the Bumthorpe Operatic Society Christmas production.

“Do you come to all their shows then, you seem to know such a lot about the B.O.S. Godfrey” asked Philomena.

“No not really Philomena. Its just that my ex wife plays the trombone in the orchestra and always has pie and mushy peas during the break and the finale always includes a trombone solo; it helps clear the hall so the cast can get off home”.

The Corset and the Tambourine.

Godfrey was indecisive. He couldnt make up his mind what to buy Philomena for Christmas. She had hinted back in October that she was getting ready for a new corset but Godfrey was reluctant to travel up that road on account that she usually put more weight on at Christmas and if he bought a corset it might not fit come the New Year.

Another option was to replace her old tambourine which she had dropped in the bath while rehearsing ‘Jesus wants me for a sunbeam’ for the Salvation Army’s harvest festival.

Faced with a dilemma Godfrey did what he always did in times of crisis and fainted. By the time he came round in mid January Christmas had well been and gone and by his bedside his beloved Philomena beamed lovingly at him “Godfrey you have come back to me”. “But we missed Christmas and I didnt manage to give you the present that I spent weeks choosing for you” he wailed, and wailed. “Dont worry, and dont cry my daffodil, its my birthday tomorrow; you can give it to me then”.

The Wart Hog and the Octopus

Godfrey and Filomena, holding hands, went for a walk in the park when they bumped into a wart hog that was basking near the bandstand. On the wart hogs back was an octopus cleaning out the wart hogs orifices.

Godfrey looked at Filomena and Filomena looked at Godfrey.

“Now there’s something you don’t see every day” said the wart hog. “What?” said the octopus. “Two uglies, nose to nose, holding each others hands so that one doesn’t have to rake the other out”.

“Is it my turn yet? said the octopus.